As I work to manifest the things I want in this life, and ride
out these days still filled with the manifestations of past decisions; I find
myself more and more inclined to think of others as an intrusion.
I have recently lost an old friend, again. I lost her a long
time ago, and I mourned. The reason is too trivial to even say, and I was
annoyed that again, I was being asked to be stronger than I could just because
it was inconvenient for them for me to be otherwise. When things evened out it wasn’t even them
that instigated the patch, but I took it for my own reasons. I knew we would
never be tight again, but I wondered what was going on. She and her husband got
orders overseas, and she called from time to time. Often to ask if she sent
money would I get things and mail them to them. Then it occurred to me, she
needed someone they could trust on this side of the Atlantic.
I know a lot about me, and one thing I know is I'm trustworthy. I tried to feel
like the other parts of the conversations were friendly, but as usual, I couldn’t
speak freely. Everything hurts her feelings. I don’t know when she got so weak,
but there it is. When she took me off her friends list at a social page I said,
so be it. I’ve walked far enough with you. I was relieved in many ways, because
I get very tired of wading through negative people’s ways just to speak to
them. Regardless, I will remember her
fondly and hope she has a good life.
I am also very grateful
that the woes of my life are interesting and easier to handle than some of the
lives I see. People who choose gangland life or crime in general seem the most
lost of all to me. I won’t lie, I understand the feeling of having backup in
such a harsh world is desirable. However the reactions of these people is so
beneath them, and they don’t even know it.
They don’t know the bigger powers that back you up with a word,
and no desire to stab you in the back later on down the line so they can take
your position.
Then again, people do do that in regular life in a way, don’t
they?
I love that things are changing to the way I want them, and I’m
going to be patient this time, and get it right.
smib
